Solar flare

The moon stands at a distance watching the sun
She's got passion and she's bold but she's burning
The moon glows from her fire but he gets cold sometimes
She struggles at times to tame herself and flares happen
But she's there, consistently, warming and shining through the darkness
Day after day after day

She's beautiful and she's hard to look at
He shines through the night, glowing
Dulling
Fading
Into morning when she explodes from the sky again

Excruciating

Eyes swelling with pain
Over and over

Blood begging to run down my arms 

Bones aching to jut out from my sides

Body longing to be held, to feel. To die

Why

Moment by moment 

Move along

Don't fucking do it

Just don't fucking do it 

Was

It was supposed to be beautiful

I just want my heart to not rip out of my fucking chest
Just one time can I be okay
Can I be enough
Can someone stand by my side and hold me
For eternity
And mean every word
Can I find bliss
Can I find passion without fear
Can I find love without need

Am I enough as I am
All of my fuckin scars and my torn up heart
Am I enough
To find home in a person
Am I worth working for
Caring for

Will illness always infect my every state of being
Will it permeate into all of the best things and wring them out dry
Will I have to chance to love and live
Really fucking live

Is this all I'm destined to be
A lonely heart
And a cold, hollow soul

As always, it was supposed to be beautiful.

Maybe

Maybe I'm just made of teardrops
And fear and loss and too much love
While others are made of the sun, the world.
Maybe I just can't see what they do
Maybe I just really believe nobody can truly and deeply love me
Others seem to exist, to interact, to create
I seem to destroy, to crash,
To live this inconsistent frightening life
Where is the manual
Where is the rule book
What do I need?
What fills this black hole of fear?

Something

Empty
In a familiar place, a state of mind
I am not something that people can love
I am unfortunate
A sad story
I am a hollow shell of pain
Tears fill my eyes and I grasp for something
Can anything take this shit away
Strong is elusive
I don't know why I keep this going
How can you love me
How did anyone say they did
I don't know how to do this
Someone just fill the emptiness
Someone understand
Someone please understand

Stream of fucking (un)consciousness

Where do I begin
Where do you go when you've burned every path
Every opened door, every heart that you held?
All because of this thing inside
That eats away at everything that makes sense
What do you do when everything is just out of reach
And you can't fucking reach it
You can't move
You can't get to it

Whose arms do you fall into
If all are too afraid that they'll fall with you
Again, and again, and again

Where do I get to run?
Why can't I shake it the fuck off?
Why do I feel so much fucking pain
Pain
Tearing me apart from the inside out
All the words I've ever heard burning, never fading
Pain from knowing what I've done
Knowing that my pain has caused so much pain

I'M TRYING!
I just want to be ok
I promise you I want to be ok
I can't control this thing but I am fucking trying
The years, the people, the memories I have lost
From being so unaware
I can't get them back
I can't take away their pain

How did this happen to me
Life goes on around me while I watch it from inside my cage
Of thoughts emotions and FUCKING FEAR

When will I push the next person away
When will I learn
When will anyone stay

Am I worth loving
Am I worth the pain because I'm trying

I'm not a monster

Setbacks

Stumbling over the border
Of clarity and illusion
Senseless emotions and thoughts
Pushing, pushing, dying to explode.
Fear
Of what I don't know and of what I do
Of stagnancy, of no fucking change
Of no control
Of too much time
Or not enough
Of everyone else
And everything.
Of my head, my body, my soul
Do I even have those things

Silence and emptiness and fucking fear
Breathing down my fucking neck
Teasing, taunting, confusing.
What the fuck is real
How am I supposed to know

Twists

Words linger in the air
As thoughts spin off rapidly
My heart says protect me
My words say go
Do I know what I want?
Do I know anything at all
besides my empty chest
And my insatiably lonely heart?

Essence

Back and forth, down then up only to go so far down again.
Push and push and push and pull and pull.
Confusion and anger and remorse.
Around, around, around again.
No sense of security
Only emptiness to fall back onto.
Always falling, falling, falling
Onto nothing, into nothing, with nothing.
Patterns that do not break
Pain that never ceases
Meaning that can never seem to be found
Voids filled with more empty substances
Dead space. Empty space.