Pyrrhic

Romanticize the wound in my side
The question
The devil on the shoulder
of what I once was
Where do you fit in this world
Why does it run so effortlessly through my veins;
Find home in my bones?
Why does it bleed
Into the eyes of another
Through the touch of another
The righteousness of hurting

Happenstance

A guiding light
In what once was an unrecognizable room
The graze of your lips
Over scarred skin
Electric eyes
I swear they've known me forever
A love
So deliberate;
So whole
Don't look away
I swear you've known me forever

Recurring

You gazed into vacant eyes.
Your fingertips
Drug down the back
Of a ghost
Your lips
Lingered
On blank space
Your breath
down my neck
And into nothingness.
Your invasion
Greeted by void

Untitled

I sit, washed up on the shore
Damp; disheveled
And stare into the ice cold eyes
Of the deep blue tides
Of painful memory

A few steps closer
Cool wind at my back
Step by step
It's whispering; chilling my bones
With painful memory

Waist deep
My limbs go numb
I stare into the ice cold eyes.
Body limp; I submit
To painful memory.

The same

Disgusting
The need
To be loved.

The hollow shell
Of a heart
Too tired to know better.

The supernova
Of love and hurt
Of fear and truth

Disgusting
The little girl crumbling
To the sounds of others

Enjoying each other

Two years

Nothing changes

Only in shape and relevancy 

When you live

In a sub-reality 

mind altered world

Where there is no floor 

to find your footing

There is no escape

From the mind

That defends; protects

With its hands

writhing around your neck

Deceit

You colored the wool
you held over my eyes
with roses and wine
and sweet little lies

You left me to wonder
to ask myself why
I mean nothing
to those who tossed me aside

This, for you

I know but only

The sweet freedom of your touch

The way the brush of your lips

Seems to reach

the ache in my bones

How your warmth 

Serves as an antidote

To the corrosion 

in my heart's beat 

This, for you 

May be a drop in an ocean
Of gestures that are formulated
For lust; desire

I know but only
How to love
with the whole ocean 

Sorrow

There are nights 

I gaze into Sorrow's eyes 

So deeply and wholly

I don't remember my name

She sings lullabies 

Ones that keep me awake

As She wipes tears

Off my colorless cheeks

She tells me tales

Ones of loss

And love so fiery

It burned holes 

Through the very foundation 

It laid upon 

Metaphysical

Realities packed neatly in white lined boxes
I am the nomad
Traveling between
Among

Within
Within feels uncertain
Foreign

Like the day I stared into
your hollowed eyes
And did not see you
Anymore

Void

Fill fill fill
All these terrorizing fucking holes
With something, anything
Someone

Fill
Fill before it returns
Before you're back on the floor
Watching crimson droplets
Dry on your limbs

Fill
Before rocks look like waves and you lose track of the days and your mind's a fucking maze




Fill.
Before you've acquainted with the pain
Before colonies of tablets in your palm
Seem as inviting
As a serenade

Evening Primrose

There's something beautiful in this mind
Something whimsical, peculiar, blind
It stumbles in the streets
Darkness it hides behind

Just for this moment

I'm on a constant journey of self discovery, self improvement, and most of all familiarity with my very self. My goal is to always be as raw as possible in hopes of reaching someone else in whatever way that might be, but also to just continue to get real with myself and document it so I am responsible for it and can continue to move in the direction I am choosing to go.

I have in the past, and still do very much so, kept myself distant from what's inside of me... Seeing as how it kind of feels like a black hole and a tornado mixed together and I really have no idea what's inside nor do I want to find out. (goodness I love run on sentences...)

I keep myself connected to other people, or to the Internet, or bury myself in work, or completely dissociate and forget that I'm a human living a life.

What's happened is I've made it very easy to lose touch with myself. Because I haven't really created much of a relationship between me and me, I find it's pretty easy to be pulled in a lot of directions at once, trying to kind of create my map as I go and navigate vicariously through shoulds and what I think others want.

When I stray away from my self; when I don't know myself, I am ashamed. I feel I am far too much to deal with. I feel worthless and useless and vile. I fear I am not worth fighting for. I fear I lack depth, meaning, quality.

The truth is I am, in its entirety, a person filled to the brim with deep, deep emotion and passion. I desire strong connection and good conversation, learning and growing. I love the world. I love the sky and space. I am as loyal as they come. I love animals and beautiful words and art. I would go to the ends of the earth for those I care about. I am absolutely outrageous and impulsive at times, and steady and quiet at other times. I am 100 things at once. I absolutely love being unique and strange and multi faceted. I truly, now, after so much time, believe I have the world at my fingertips if I use what I have in me. I have seen myself lower than low and I have fought my way out. I am still fighting. I have truly conquered amazing feats.

My mental illnesses and their accompanying struggles have shaped the entire path of my life thus far. But I am also a person. I am living and breathing and loving and taking this one step at a time. I know this now to be true, therefore I need for no one else to validate me. I know this to be true, therefore I am connected to my self.

Sunday afternoon coffee

Hands bleeding
Holding on too tightly
To the fear
That creeps in
During the darkest hours of night

Fear
Of the crippling cracking pain
That resides in my chest
Each time someone
Takes pieces of me with them

Fear
That I am far too much
And not enough
And I will not stop
Bleeding

March 16

They say be comfortable in your skin

As if I know whose skin this is

As if I know something but the crawling sensation 

Something desperate to escape 

Where is the comfort in the lingering dull roar of pain

Begging to be bled out 

That dwells deep inside

This skin

That I'm supposed to be comfortable in 

It

I find myself
Seeing in color
Feeling warmth on my skin
And I think maybe this is really it
This time

Inevitably it grabs me
Like it has
Like it does
And it pulls me under
Like it does
Like it will

Solace

This emptiness
It haunts, lurks around the dusty corners
The parts of the mind left untouched
Sucks the air from the lungs
The life from the eyes

Dares you to feel
Anything but despair,
Desperation.
Hollow.
Hollowness in your bones
In your heart

I sit behind the bars in this hollow prison
I know the key rests in my hand
I am not quite sure what is outside.

What the fuck

Memories
Of isolation and confusion
Hopelessness; fear
Watching myself die.

Is there no peace to be found
No mercy to be begged for
No quiet time to be
To admire
To love
To be loved;
Wholly, fully, all-encompassingly?

Am I dreaming up reality

When I find it
Don't let me fucking lose it

Serendipity

A look at you to know life.
Love
For innocent eyes
Filled with excitement, curiosity
For waking to your stirring
Your love for almost everything
For timid steps
The softness and warmth
For the gazes upwards
And your need for safety and comfort
For the silly antics
And the way I could watch you for hours
For the nuances and demeanors
That I have come to know
For the overwhelming flood of joy and purpose
You have no idea you have given me.

Love
For what you are and everything you need me to be

Love
For those eternally unaware of their impact.

Nothing

I'm not sure why I have not given up

I have equipped myself with what feels like 

Just a bunch of fucked up bullshit

I can use it against anyone who doesn't love me

Or against the ones that do that I am convinced don't 

How the fuck do you even know

Does anyone know? 

Do we just go along in this stupid fucking cycle

Of heartbreak and hope and failed attempts at making something 

Out of fucking nothing 

It's all fucking nothing