Stream of fucking (un)consciousness

Where do I begin
Where do you go when you've burned every path
Every opened door, every heart that you held?
All because of this thing inside
That eats away at everything that makes sense
What do you do when everything is just out of reach
And you can't fucking reach it
You can't move
You can't get to it

Whose arms do you fall into
If all are too afraid that they'll fall with you
Again, and again, and again

Where do I get to run?
Why can't I shake it the fuck off?
Why do I feel so much fucking pain
Pain
Tearing me apart from the inside out
All the words I've ever heard burning, never fading
Pain from knowing what I've done
Knowing that my pain has caused so much pain

I'M TRYING!
I just want to be ok
I promise you I want to be ok
I can't control this thing but I am fucking trying
The years, the people, the memories I have lost
From being so unaware
I can't get them back
I can't take away their pain

How did this happen to me
Life goes on around me while I watch it from inside my cage
Of thoughts emotions and FUCKING FEAR

When will I push the next person away
When will I learn
When will anyone stay

Am I worth loving
Am I worth the pain because I'm trying

I'm not a monster

Setbacks

Stumbling over the border
Of clarity and illusion
Senseless emotions and thoughts
Pushing, pushing, dying to explode.
Fear
Of what I don't know and of what I do
Of stagnancy, of no fucking change
Of no control
Of too much time
Or not enough
Of everyone else
And everything.
Of my head, my body, my soul
Do I even have those things

Silence and emptiness and fucking fear
Breathing down my fucking neck
Teasing, taunting, confusing.
What the fuck is real
How am I supposed to know

Twists

Words linger in the air
As thoughts spin off rapidly
My heart says protect me
My words say go
Do I know what I want?
Do I know anything at all
besides my empty chest
And my insatiably lonely heart?

Essence

Back and forth, down then up only to go so far down again.
Push and push and push and pull and pull.
Confusion and anger and remorse.
Around, around, around again.
No sense of security
Only emptiness to fall back onto.
Always falling, falling, falling
Onto nothing, into nothing, with nothing.
Patterns that do not break
Pain that never ceases
Meaning that can never seem to be found
Voids filled with more empty substances
Dead space. Empty space.