Just for this moment

I'm on a constant journey of self discovery, self improvement, and most of all familiarity with my very self. My goal is to always be as raw as possible in hopes of reaching someone else in whatever way that might be, but also to just continue to get real with myself and document it so I am responsible for it and can continue to move in the direction I am choosing to go.

I have in the past, and still do very much so, kept myself distant from what's inside of me... Seeing as how it kind of feels like a black hole and a tornado mixed together and I really have no idea what's inside nor do I want to find out. (goodness I love run on sentences...)

I keep myself connected to other people, or to the Internet, or bury myself in work, or completely dissociate and forget that I'm a human living a life.

What's happened is I've made it very easy to lose touch with myself. Because I haven't really created much of a relationship between me and me, I find it's pretty easy to be pulled in a lot of directions at once, trying to kind of create my map as I go and navigate vicariously through shoulds and what I think others want.

When I stray away from my self; when I don't know myself, I am ashamed. I feel I am far too much to deal with. I feel worthless and useless and vile. I fear I am not worth fighting for. I fear I lack depth, meaning, quality.

The truth is I am, in its entirety, a person filled to the brim with deep, deep emotion and passion. I desire strong connection and good conversation, learning and growing. I love the world. I love the sky and space. I am as loyal as they come. I love animals and beautiful words and art. I would go to the ends of the earth for those I care about. I am absolutely outrageous and impulsive at times, and steady and quiet at other times. I am 100 things at once. I absolutely love being unique and strange and multi faceted. I truly, now, after so much time, believe I have the world at my fingertips if I use what I have in me. I have seen myself lower than low and I have fought my way out. I am still fighting. I have truly conquered amazing feats.

My mental illnesses and their accompanying struggles have shaped the entire path of my life thus far. But I am also a person. I am living and breathing and loving and taking this one step at a time. I know this now to be true, therefore I need for no one else to validate me. I know this to be true, therefore I am connected to my self.

Sunday afternoon coffee

Hands bleeding
Holding on too tightly
To the fear
That creeps in
During the darkest hours of night

Fear
Of the crippling cracking pain
That resides in my chest
Each time someone
Takes pieces of me with them

Fear
That I am far too much
And not enough
And I will not stop
Bleeding

March 16

They say be comfortable in your skin

As if I know whose skin this is

As if I know something but the crawling sensation 

Something desperate to escape 

Where is the comfort in the lingering dull roar of pain

Begging to be bled out 

That dwells deep inside

This skin

That I'm supposed to be comfortable in 

It

I find myself
Seeing in color
Feeling warmth on my skin
And I think maybe this is really it
This time

Inevitably it grabs me
Like it has
Like it does
And it pulls me under
Like it does
Like it will

Solace

This emptiness
It haunts, lurks around the dusty corners
The parts of the mind left untouched
Sucks the air from the lungs
The life from the eyes

Dares you to feel
Anything but despair,
Desperation.
Hollow.
Hollowness in your bones
In your heart

I sit behind the bars in this hollow prison
I know the key rests in my hand
I am not quite sure what is outside.

What the fuck

Memories
Of isolation and confusion
Hopelessness; fear
Watching myself die.

Is there no peace to be found
No mercy to be begged for
No quiet time to be
To admire
To love
To be loved;
Wholly, fully, all-encompassingly?

Am I dreaming up reality

When I find it
Don't let me fucking lose it

Serendipity

A look at you to know life.
Love
For innocent eyes
Filled with excitement, curiosity
For waking to your stirring
Your love for almost everything
For timid steps
The softness and warmth
For the gazes upwards
And your need for safety and comfort
For the silly antics
And the way I could watch you for hours
For the nuances and demeanors
That I have come to know
For the overwhelming flood of joy and purpose
You have no idea you have given me.

Love
For what you are and everything you need me to be

Love
For those eternally unaware of their impact.