Just for this moment

I'm on a constant journey of self discovery, self improvement, and most of all familiarity with my very self. My goal is to always be as raw as possible in hopes of reaching someone else in whatever way that might be, but also to just continue to get real with myself and document it so I am responsible for it and can continue to move in the direction I am choosing to go.

I have in the past, and still do very much so, kept myself distant from what's inside of me... Seeing as how it kind of feels like a black hole and a tornado mixed together and I really have no idea what's inside nor do I want to find out. (goodness I love run on sentences...)

I keep myself connected to other people, or to the Internet, or bury myself in work, or completely dissociate and forget that I'm a human living a life.

What's happened is I've made it very easy to lose touch with myself. Because I haven't really created much of a relationship between me and me, I find it's pretty easy to be pulled in a lot of directions at once, trying to kind of create my map as I go and navigate vicariously through shoulds and what I think others want.

When I stray away from my self; when I don't know myself, I am ashamed. I feel I am far too much to deal with. I feel worthless and useless and vile. I fear I am not worth fighting for. I fear I lack depth, meaning, quality.

The truth is I am, in its entirety, a person filled to the brim with deep, deep emotion and passion. I desire strong connection and good conversation, learning and growing. I love the world. I love the sky and space. I am as loyal as they come. I love animals and beautiful words and art. I would go to the ends of the earth for those I care about. I am absolutely outrageous and impulsive at times, and steady and quiet at other times. I am 100 things at once. I absolutely love being unique and strange and multi faceted. I truly, now, after so much time, believe I have the world at my fingertips if I use what I have in me. I have seen myself lower than low and I have fought my way out. I am still fighting. I have truly conquered amazing feats.

My mental illnesses and their accompanying struggles have shaped the entire path of my life thus far. But I am also a person. I am living and breathing and loving and taking this one step at a time. I know this now to be true, therefore I need for no one else to validate me. I know this to be true, therefore I am connected to my self.