Solace

This emptiness
It haunts, lurks around the dusty corners
The parts of the mind left untouched
Sucks the air from the lungs
The life from the eyes

Dares you to feel
Anything but despair,
Desperation.
Hollow.
Hollowness in your bones
In your heart

I sit behind the bars in this hollow prison
I know the key rests in my hand
I am not quite sure what is outside.

What the fuck

Memories
Of isolation and confusion
Hopelessness; fear
Watching myself die.

Is there no peace to be found
No mercy to be begged for
No quiet time to be
To admire
To love
To be loved;
Wholly, fully, all-encompassingly?

Am I dreaming up reality

When I find it
Don't let me fucking lose it

Serendipity

A look at you to know life.
Love
For innocent eyes
Filled with excitement, curiosity
For waking to your stirring
Your love for almost everything
For timid steps
The softness and warmth
For the gazes upwards
And your need for safety and comfort
For the silly antics
And the way I could watch you for hours
For the nuances and demeanors
That I have come to know
For the overwhelming flood of joy and purpose
You have no idea you have given me.

Love
For what you are and everything you need me to be

Love
For those eternally unaware of their impact.

Nothing

I'm not sure why I have not given up

I have equipped myself with what feels like 

Just a bunch of fucked up bullshit

I can use it against anyone who doesn't love me

Or against the ones that do that I am convinced don't 

How the fuck do you even know

Does anyone know? 

Do we just go along in this stupid fucking cycle

Of heartbreak and hope and failed attempts at making something 

Out of fucking nothing 

It's all fucking nothing 

Solar flare

The moon stands at a distance watching the sun
She's got passion and she's bold but she's burning
The moon glows from her fire but he gets cold sometimes
She struggles at times to tame herself and flares happen
But she's there, consistently, warming and shining through the darkness
Day after day after day

She's beautiful and she's hard to look at
He shines through the night, glowing
Dulling
Fading
Into morning when she explodes from the sky again

Excruciating

Eyes swelling with pain
Over and over

Blood begging to run down my arms 

Bones aching to jut out from my sides

Body longing to be held, to feel. To die

Why

Moment by moment 

Move along

Don't fucking do it

Just don't fucking do it 

Was

It was supposed to be beautiful

I just want my heart to not rip out of my fucking chest
Just one time can I be okay
Can I be enough
Can someone stand by my side and hold me
For eternity
And mean every word
Can I find bliss
Can I find passion without fear
Can I find love without need

Am I enough as I am
All of my fuckin scars and my torn up heart
Am I enough
To find home in a person
Am I worth working for
Caring for

Will illness always infect my every state of being
Will it permeate into all of the best things and wring them out dry
Will I have to chance to love and live
Really fucking live

Is this all I'm destined to be
A lonely heart
And a cold, hollow soul

As always, it was supposed to be beautiful.