Serendipity

A look at you to know life.
Love
For innocent eyes
Filled with excitement, curiosity
For waking to your stirring
Your love for almost everything
For timid steps
The softness and warmth
For the gazes upwards
And your need for safety and comfort
For the silly antics
And the way I could watch you for hours
For the nuances and demeanors
That I have come to know
For the overwhelming flood of joy and purpose
You have no idea you have given me.

Love
For what you are and everything you need me to be

Love
For those eternally unaware of their impact.

Nothing

I'm not sure why I have not given up

I have equipped myself with what feels like 

Just a bunch of fucked up bullshit

I can use it against anyone who doesn't love me

Or against the ones that do that I am convinced don't 

How the fuck do you even know

Does anyone know? 

Do we just go along in this stupid fucking cycle

Of heartbreak and hope and failed attempts at making something 

Out of fucking nothing 

It's all fucking nothing 

Solar flare

The moon stands at a distance watching the sun
She's got passion and she's bold but she's burning
The moon glows from her fire but he gets cold sometimes
She struggles at times to tame herself and flares happen
But she's there, consistently, warming and shining through the darkness
Day after day after day

She's beautiful and she's hard to look at
He shines through the night, glowing
Dulling
Fading
Into morning when she explodes from the sky again

Excruciating

Eyes swelling with pain
Over and over

Blood begging to run down my arms 

Bones aching to jut out from my sides

Body longing to be held, to feel. To die

Why

Moment by moment 

Move along

Don't fucking do it

Just don't fucking do it 

Was

It was supposed to be beautiful

I just want my heart to not rip out of my fucking chest
Just one time can I be okay
Can I be enough
Can someone stand by my side and hold me
For eternity
And mean every word
Can I find bliss
Can I find passion without fear
Can I find love without need

Am I enough as I am
All of my fuckin scars and my torn up heart
Am I enough
To find home in a person
Am I worth working for
Caring for

Will illness always infect my every state of being
Will it permeate into all of the best things and wring them out dry
Will I have to chance to love and live
Really fucking live

Is this all I'm destined to be
A lonely heart
And a cold, hollow soul

As always, it was supposed to be beautiful.

Maybe

Maybe I'm just made of teardrops
And fear and loss and too much love
While others are made of the sun, the world.
Maybe I just can't see what they do
Maybe I just really believe nobody can truly and deeply love me
Others seem to exist, to interact, to create
I seem to destroy, to crash,
To live this inconsistent frightening life
Where is the manual
Where is the rule book
What do I need?
What fills this black hole of fear?

Something

Empty
In a familiar place, a state of mind
I am not something that people can love
I am unfortunate
A sad story
I am a hollow shell of pain
Tears fill my eyes and I grasp for something
Can anything take this shit away
Strong is elusive
I don't know why I keep this going
How can you love me
How did anyone say they did
I don't know how to do this
Someone just fill the emptiness
Someone understand
Someone please understand